Because of You
by Fee4444
Summary: Songfic 'Because of You' by Kelly Clarkson


**Just heard one of my favorite songs again and though Ziva might want it.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery_

She had watched her father crumble before her eyes when she was just a little kid. She was hardly nine years old. It was that moment she decided, anything that can cause that much pain isn't worth having.

_I will not break the way you did;  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far_

Every relationship she had she had quickly executed. Not that she would admit it but she was afraid. She was afraid of commitment and afraid of being hurt. She was too used to it. Somehow she had always managed to make something up, something to say to slip away, never having a second thought on how it hurt others.  
_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out_

The one time she had managed to savor one, just once her father had quickly told her off. She could not get hurt or attached. They would always be snatched from under her.

_I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes_

Never had she allowed a single tear drop to fall, not once. She bottled it up, convinced it was for the best. She never knew that it was burning her inside out.

_I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life_

Every day she smiled on the outside but every day she was screaming. It was burning. It was worse than the torture she was ever forced to endure. She wanted to cry but she couldn't. She never could. Not because she was strong but because she was weak. She was always weak.

_My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

When she heard of the happiness others had she couldn't help but feel sorry for herself. Her heart was shattered, thousands of times over. But it didn't take her long to realize there were never enough pieces to shatter.

_I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep_

Through the little crack in the door she watched her father cry. He was the strongest man she had ever known and he was crying. Suddenly she was angry. He was betraying her. She had wanted to be like him and now he was dead. Now he was shattered.

_I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me_

He had dropped everything on her. He had given up, left her to care for her big brother and little sister. He had left her to care for the now broken shell of a man he had become. She saw the pain first hand. She could not allow herself to live like that. Not ever.

_You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain_

He never could realize that children felt pain to, when her mother died, when her best friend died, when her sister died, when her brother left. How could he not see all of her pain? How could he not see all of her sorrows? Eventually she could not see them either. They were too deeply buried beneath her shell, behind the walls.

_And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing_

And now they were boiling over. Her pain was fighting through. If you turn the gas on too high it will eventually come out. She couldn't bare her life anymore. Not with the life he had given her.

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

She wanted someone to hold her, rub her back as she cried but she couldn't. She couldn't open up to them; let them know how weak she was. She couldn't let them see how broken she was. But even more she could never trust them. The father she was given had taught her to trust nobody, even herself. She was afraid. But nobody could know. She had to stand up and pretend none of this was happening.

_Because of you_

_Because of you_

And that's exactly what she did. Her mask never faltered, ever. She walked into work, a smile on her face as she greeted Gibbs, Tony and McGee but it pained her. Every step pained her. And it was all his fault. It was Eli David's fault that his daughter was nothing but a shell. She wanted to cry but she couldn't. Ziva couldn't cry. Because even that right he had taken away from her. And she couldn't help but be afraid.


End file.
